Monday, May 30, 2005

The Phone Diet (Patent Pending)

Were you aware that if your dog licks off a microportion of the shell on a whole bag of Peanut Butter M&M's that the flavor is greatly diminished? The owner, me, didn't realize that she could get to them on the bar, but the hole in the bag was too small for her to actually get any out of. Doesn't stop me from eating them, though. That's how much I love those M&M's...and my doggy, I guess.

Everyone have a sit down because I don't want any fainting going on here: Rachel went to church with D. yesterday. It is here I learned that atheism, liberalism, pluralism, materialism, and humanism are B-A-D. I think he probably meant secular humanism, but I'm also pretty sure he didn't research anything else about them. Like even the "literal meaning" of some of the words, namely liberalism. And since we're going strictly on the literal interpretation of The Good Book, something seems a little off about that. But whatever. I'm totally willing to blindly trust Mr. Brett because he is, as he says, "sound in doctrine." I also think I left out two -isms in there.

We then went to Monterey's, where I stupidly ordered my standard chimichanga. Which was good, but D.'s Classic Burger was one of the top 5 ground cow preparations to ever touch my mouth. At a Tex Mex breastaurant no less. Or maybe it was so good because I was starving. And a fair warning to those who go: there is celery in the queso. And I wish I had my camera because on the ledge of our booth was a very large tin with spanish writing on it that was being used as a fake flower planter. The tin was a used canola oil container. Maybe they need a clean sweep? Both odd.
I've totally got it the next million dollar idea: The phone diet!!!

That's right folks. If you spend an average of 4 hours per day on the phone (not at work) with your family, boyfriend, girlfriends, guy pals, and other random people, you forget to eat. Or in the very least, you get very thirsty and end up drinking so much water that you aren't hungry anymore. Empirical testing in a clinical setting hasn't taken place yet. In fact, I haven't even tested them out. Seems like a good idea, though. Yeah, and if someone says "Why don't you get call waiting?" one more time to me, I'm gonna scream. "Why don't YOU just call my cell phone, huh huh huh?" "Well, cause I already know you're on the phone if it's busy when I call." Well, there ya go. :)


ET said...

As an atheist, liberal(ist?), and materialist (maybe...sort of), I resent that someone is pigeonholing my ideals as B-A-D. Then again, I think the idea of following some guy who thinks he knows what "God" wants, thinks, or has an inkling or insight into any other activity that this God person may or may not engage in is inherently creepy. Better not tell this preacher that you are going to Gay Pride, Rachel, or you will be damned for all eternity...for supporting your fellow human beings. Oh, don't EVEN get me started on the religions..."YOU ARE BAD; MY WAY IS THE ONLY WAY; NOW HAND OVER YOUR WALLET AND YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL"...then we find out he has a gambling addiction or is a pedophile. PASS!

I believe in the church of "be nice to people and don't talk with your mouth full." ~ Carrie Bradshaw

LT said...

I hope you were kidding about "blindly trusting" the preacher, as blindly trusting anyone negates the reason we have brains in the first place. Plus, for someone to "know" what God wants is impossible. When his own son was on the cross and asked why he was being forsaken, not a word came from God. But we're supposed to believe he talks to rednecks in cheap suits with blow-dried hair.