Sunday, May 01, 2005

The view from the dog

Hi Mommy,

It's Shelby, your loving doggie. There's some things you should know about me by now, but you seem to be having a really hard time figuring it out. I really hope you're not an idiot, Mommy. You see, I don't like men. Well, except for Uncle Geoffrey and Joshua and sometimes Grandpa. I also like to embarrass you just to see your reaction. Here are some of the ways I've tried to let you know that I don't want some man coming between us:

  • Even though I know perfectly well that peepeepoopoo go either outside on the grass or on my puppy pads, when some guy is over here I'm going to do my best to pee on the carpet (I especially like doing this when he JUST got there and has never been to your place before...and oh, it'll be right after you tell him how good I am) and poo on YOUR bed.
  • Even though I'm spayed, I still like to...umm...well...we have "needs" too, ya know. So, what's going to happen is every once in a while I'm going randomly commence with some self-love action. I'm even occasionally going to make some moaning noises. See, I KNOW how uncomfortable it makes you. But at the same time, I also know you don't really want to tell me to stop because it's like interrupting the only sexual pleasure I'm ever going to get.
  • You just don't seem to get that if you leave the bathroom door open, all sorts of things from your bathroom cabinet and bathroom trash will end up on the floor in front of you and your date. I'm pissed off that none of your guy friends have ever noticed me dragging in feminine products, not always clean ones, and shredding them in front of my bed in the living room. Next time maybe I'll just take a clean tampon and jump up on your loveseat with you guys so that I'm noticed.
  • If you EVEN start to think about getting cuddly on your loveseat, I'm going to take it upon myself to climb up immediately, put my heinie ho in the guy's face and make a smelly fart. I really loved that spaghetti you gave me, though, Mom.
  • And when you choose not to answer your landline and Kurt calls and leaves a message, I'm going to whine and make it seem like I totally liked him better than the guy you're with, even though I barked at Kurt, too.

Barks away,

Shelby Gisele

5 comments:

ET said...

Wow. My dogs don't do that. And I think I can safely say, on behalf of all of your loyal readers...TMI!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and who's the new guy?

Rachel said...

TMI??? What part? The fact that I own tampons, perhaps? What, are you too "good" to have a monthly or something? And perhaps I should go back and read/revise in red then because none of that was supposed to be too revealing.

This are actually just things that Shelby's done in the past year with several different guys. And, there is no new guy. SOMEONE has ruined my trust in men for a while. Hopefully I won't be scared of the "sneak attack" breakup for the rest of my life.

ET said...

Not so much revealing about YOU...revealing about Shelby. The hinder bits and whatnot. And it's not that I'm too GOOD to have a montly something, but on Mircette actually I DON'T (which creeped me out after four months but hey...)

chris a said...

A few years ago, I was living with a few female roommates (the same ones that I will be moving in with again in a few weeks) and they had two dogs. Not just any dogs, but two of the most destructive dog that I have ever ran across. One day the ladies forgot to shut the door to so that the dogs could not run threw the house.

I was unfortunately the first one to come home. Im guessing that both the girls where in the middle of there "monthly". Because that is what was ALL OVER the house. BUT, me being the cool roommate that I am. That and the fact that I couldnt just sit down and watch tv. I slaped on some gloves. Cleaned up the mess and saved the girls some imbarrasment by just telling them about the fan cord that was in many pieces. And reminded them to please SHUT THE DOOR!

Rachel said...

Ahh...that really is a nice gesture to make. I'm wondering if there's ever been a time when someone has went ahead and done something for me that would have embarrased me. I don't mean that exact situation, just anything. I'm wondering what embarrassment I've been potentially saved from in the past.