It's Shelby, your loving doggie. There's some things you should know about me by now, but you seem to be having a really hard time figuring it out. I really hope you're not an idiot, Mommy. You see, I don't like men. Well, except for Uncle Geoffrey and Joshua and sometimes Grandpa. I also like to embarrass you just to see your reaction. Here are some of the ways I've tried to let you know that I don't want some man coming between us:
- Even though I know perfectly well that peepeepoopoo go either outside on the grass or on my puppy pads, when some guy is over here I'm going to do my best to pee on the carpet (I especially like doing this when he JUST got there and has never been to your place before...and oh, it'll be right after you tell him how good I am) and poo on YOUR bed.
- Even though I'm spayed, I still like to...umm...well...we have "needs" too, ya know. So, what's going to happen is every once in a while I'm going randomly commence with some self-love action. I'm even occasionally going to make some moaning noises. See, I KNOW how uncomfortable it makes you. But at the same time, I also know you don't really want to tell me to stop because it's like interrupting the only sexual pleasure I'm ever going to get.
- You just don't seem to get that if you leave the bathroom door open, all sorts of things from your bathroom cabinet and bathroom trash will end up on the floor in front of you and your date. I'm pissed off that none of your guy friends have ever noticed me dragging in feminine products, not always clean ones, and shredding them in front of my bed in the living room. Next time maybe I'll just take a clean tampon and jump up on your loveseat with you guys so that I'm noticed.
- If you EVEN start to think about getting cuddly on your loveseat, I'm going to take it upon myself to climb up immediately, put my heinie ho in the guy's face and make a smelly fart. I really loved that spaghetti you gave me, though, Mom.
- And when you choose not to answer your landline and Kurt calls and leaves a message, I'm going to whine and make it seem like I totally liked him better than the guy you're with, even though I barked at Kurt, too.