Thursday, December 01, 2005

Sit Here on My Lap (Subtitle: Dirrty Santa)

Newlyweds: Season 1: Disc 1 = 3/10. I know I have no excuse for this poor behavior. I was curious long before the separation. Even though this "reality" show is but a snippet of what their life was really like, I can say that this is not the ideal relationship. But I have an almost* perfect relationship now.

I took the mentee to Utica Square tonight to see the Christmas lights and the lame Nutcracker story they have. I told her that they also had a Santa house. Though she might feel too old to do the whole "sit on Santa's lap and tell him what you want for Christmas" thing, she was persuaded when I told her they give you a free cookie to anyone who goes in there. That's my kind of girl!

My mentee had NEVER GONE TO SEE SANTA BEFORE!!!!! Not that there's anything particularly wrong with that, I guess. I think I have a picture of me sitting on or near Santa's lap from darn near every year of my life. Why should this year be any different?

So, we're in there and the mentee is done telling him what she wants. I take her picture. She gets up and gets her snickerdoodle. As she opens the door to leave, Santa says to me "well, don't you want to sit down and tell me what you want, too?" In the spirit of Christmas, sure. So, I sit down on the stool beside Santa and proceed to tell him what I want for Christmas. (See Doug, you could just ask Santa! Or Brandi, I guess). Brandi is ready with the camera for Rachel Santa Lap, Version 24.0. I lean over to take the picture when Santa says, "No, you have to sit here on my lap for a picture." I said, "Um, I'm ok right here." Santa says, "Nonsense, sit on Santa's lap." Aww, crap. I mean, I have my mentee with me. And he is Santa. So, I decide to fulfill Santa's seemingly naughty request and sit on his lap:

I did NOT notice his left hand during this process. Sneaky Santa!

We walked around a bit and then went to Starbucks, something else she'd yet to experience. I told her that I thought she would like something that had little to no coffee in it, but when we got to the counter she ordered a cappucino. I told her it would be nothing like what Quik Trip sells (sweet stuff), but no one ever listens to me. Eight packages of Sugar in the Raw later (see pic below for pile) and she's slurping away. One of my little Rachelisms: when I go to a place (e.g., Starbucks, manicures, etc.) that asks for my name, I always tell them a stupid or funny name. But it has to be believable. I can't go calling myself Candle or anything. Tonight, I was Matilda.

Or apparently MUtilda.

*Do not freak out about that. Almost here means I want to see you more than I do. Four times/ week just isn't enough.


Amanda Z said...

Does Doug illusions of your relationship being absolutely perfect in every single tiny minute little way? Surely not. Anyone who claims to have a totally perfect relationship is either lying to you or lying to himself.

That Santa is effing scary. S-C-A-R-Y!

I like the fake names at Coffee shops. I would never think to do that, haha.

Anonymous said...

The Santa thing was weird, at least. You may have an appeal for men dressed as Santa. I hope it doesn't happen to me.

It may get riskier to use false name at those places once they start asking for you ID to give out your coffee.

The name Matilda reminded me of a movie called "Leon, the proffesional". He is a hitman and Matilda is a little girl that ends up with him. I would recommend it if you haven't seen it. Did you ever watch "Reefer madness"?

Rachel said...

Amanda Z: to my knowledge, Doug doesn't have illusions of our relationship being 100% perfect. I just had to throw in the * because if I know that if I read that on a page HE created, I would go psychotic female and start crying, wondering why things wre bad. I would read way too much into a statement like that. So, I wanted to make sure Doug didn't do the same.

Anon: I have an appeal for men dressed as Santa? No, I think it's more along the line of guys that do the Santa thing may be a little weird. I mean, you saw Bad Santa, right?

The coffee thing is riskier now, especially since I hardly ever use cash, but I've decided that if they look at my ID and say "Wait, is your name [insert funny name I told them earlier] or is it Rachel?" I'll just say "Yeah, you caught me. It's really Rachel." But I'm sure I'm not the only person who goes in there and tells them a fake name. It's probably pretty common.

I will watch Reefer Maddness probably in 3 years. That's about how long it will take me to get through the things on my to see list. As for The Professional, I'll see that when the library gives it to me. Yay for the public library having lots of movies!

ET said...

I have to say that the whole Santa thing does not seem as sinister as everyone is making it out to be. And he only had his hand on your hand, and if you didn't notice it was probably OVER your hand for photo purposes. If it was on your boob or something, then there would be an issue. I think maybe he saw you with mentee and, since you really don't look very old, wanted you to feel included for fun.

I have both seasons of Newlyweds, just FYI. They both suck, and clearly she is a MORON. If I had raised that child, I would be distressed. Good thing she has T&A and can sing, because she does not have anything in the cranial capacity. I saw her on QVC touting her Dessert line (of cosmetic stuff...mostly lip gloss and edible powders) and she really IS that dumb. Even the host embarrassed her, and not on purpose. But she does have some cute handbags in the show. I was desperate after SATC ended, but Newlyweds is WORTHLESS. I never finished.

Giselle said...

I use fake names when I go to places like that sometimes. Mostly when I don't feel like repeating and spelling my name for them 5 times. So my fake names are usually common like Kristen or Jessica.

Rachel said...

What on earth possessed you to BUY Newlyweds? Was it a gift?

The Santa thing was a little scary mainly because of HOW he said "sit HERE on my lap." It was almost like he'd been in the situation a million times before--young adult girl with a child in tow, child of an age that if young adult girl refuses to sit on Santa's lap, child would ask why. And that's a whole can of ick that I don't want to open with the mentee. So, instead of having to explain why Santa was PERHAPS being a pervert, I decided to take one for the team and have a sit on the 'ol lap.

Mentors: we sit on laps so you don't have to.

Giselle said...

You know, 8 packets of sugar sounds perfectly normal to me. I just poured myself one of those little 8oz cups of coffee at work and I put in 8 packets of sugar and 5 creamers.

I literally like a little coffee with my cream and sugar.