Sunday, October 30, 2005

The Highly Inappropriate Twizzler & Cheesy Poof

Ron White: They Call Me Tater Salad = 8/10. Since I listen to Yahoo Music most of the day at work and have my genres set with comedy on 100%, I had heard most of these jokes. But hearing them and seeing them performed differ greatly. Although I love his act and stand-up comedy in general, I can't rate him higher because there were just too many lulls during the hour.

Remember bad momma from the cookout back in May? She's back. I went to a Halloween party for the mentor/mentees Saturday night. Bad momma was there with her now 9 month old kid. Let me first describe bad momma to you. She has, without a doubt, the biggest ass I have ever seen in my entire life. I mean, I feel really sorry for her. I'm honestly not trying to make fun of her, but it really looks like there is a window unit air conditioner stuck down her pants. To keep that much junk in her trunk, I imagine this woman must eat quite a bit. That's exactly what she did at the party. Don't get me wrong, I most definitely have my food binging moments. Bad momma also says "mmmmhmmmm, well I know yo name is Rachel" after she asks me to tell her her name and I forget. My bad, but I see you only once a quarter and you do have a funky name. Whatever your name is.

Anyway, so I'm watching bad momma down copious amounts of food intended mainly for the kids into her mouth. Fine. Well, sorta fine. I mean, it's not like they told us we couldn't eat all of it, I just assumed most of it was for the kids seeing how this is their party.

I go to the table to see bad momma's 9 month old baby. Let's call him Frankie because I can't remember the child's name, either. Though I'm sure I've been told 10 times. Frankie has a huge bald spot on the back of his head. Apparently this is normal with children, but to me bald spots always make me think that the child sits in a crib all day long and gets nurtured very little. Frankie sat in his stroller Saturday. He's not as fugly as he was back in May, thank God. In Frankie's left hand was a Cheeto and in his right hand was a ½ eaten Twizzler. Is that even appropriate to give a 9 month old? Whatever.

There was a spook house set up at the party for the kids. As soon as that was mentioned, all of the kids went from the meeting area straight to the hall to line up for the spook house. It was bad momma's chance. She grabbed her diaper bag, walked over to a table where a candy-filled pumpkin sat, and proceeded to pour most of the candy into the diaper bag.

Taking candy from children = bad.

Taking candy from children who all have at least one parent in jail = immoral

Remember, you very well might be the only positive person/thing that child ever sees in life. Bad momma, I hope those were some damn good Jolly Ranchers.


Amanda Z said...



BKDotCom said...

This thread is worthless without pictures.

Rachel said...

Pictures of what? The child with the Twizzler and Cheeto, the mother with her hand in the candy jar, or the baldness of the child's head? The A/C ass?

The mentee had my camera for most of the evening. The thought did occur to take pictures, but I couldn't really justify going over and saying "Oooh, can I take a picture of your fugly...I mean, ADORABLE baby?" I did not have my camera at the time of the candy stealing.

I'll see what pictures the mentee took at the party. She might have got the mom or the baby in one of them.