A marriage counselor I am not

Under what condition(s) would you email an ex and tell her you want to discuss the possibility of ending your pending nuptuals?

Seriously. Pause for a moment and think about it. For me.

I've blogged about Mike (a.k.a.Hee-Haw Laugh) before. See here and here for memory refreshing. Here's the background: he was in one of my classes in the fall of 2002 at NSU. He asked me out while I was getting into my car after class. I dumped him 1.5 months later. Mainly because he had MAJOR self-esteem/self-acceptance issues, was about half my intelligence, and belittled me by calling me fat all of the time. And yeah, I'm chubby. But we're talking I would like to lose 20, NOT 200 pounds. Yeah. Rachel doesn't deal well with crap like that. Instead of hoping for the best like some of my friends, I just dump them and move on. I had to learn the hard way that things probably won't get better.

So, Mike and I didn't talk much after I dumped him. I moved to Houston in June 2003 and back to Tulsa in June 2004. I think during that whole time we had 2 phone conversations of the "hey, you're still alive" variety and possibly a few emails. A few meaning less than 5. Directly after I was dumped by someone in early March 2005 (only a 2 month relationship, so thankfully it was no major heartache), Mike came over here to catch up on things. He invited himself. I got to hear his hee-haw laugh a lot because I made him watch a few episodes of Penn & Teller. A few weeks later, he called me and wondered if there was ANY chance of getting back together. I said no. In May, I got a phone call from him telling me has was engaged and was getting married in March 2006. Last week, I sent Mike an email asking him who his massage therapist is. In response, he told me that he pushed back the wedding date until December 2006 and that he'd love to chat about it to set his mind at ease, but he doesn't have my number anymore. Jill made him erase all exes numbers. WHY WOULD HE WANT TO DISCUSS THAT WITH ME????? I honestly couldn't bring myself to discuss serious relationship matters with a short-lived ex. Especially one that I've talked to a total of 10 times in the last few years. So, why would he do this? Here are the only reasons I can think of:

A) He honestly believes I am a great friend and can help him solve this problem.

I highly doubt this one because, while I am a superb listener and a rational/logical/problem solving thinker, he could just as easily go pick up any one of 500 self-help pre-marital books or go to premarital counseling,

B) He thinks he still has a chance with me. Once again, I doubt it because it's been nearly THREE years and I've told him NOT A CHANCE. Let's not also forget that I'm currently in a wonderful, fulfilling relationship,

C) There are major relationship problems in the Mike/Jill arena. I can think of nothing more sad than being a bride and having your fiancé have major doubts. Well, starving to death is more sad, but...you get my point.

I can't stop there, though. I'm feeling particularly mean today. I stumbled across (ok,actively sought out) their Wedding Channel website and here are her words regarding the proposal:

On April 13th Mike called me at work and said there was an exhibit at the Philbrook Museum that he wanted to see and asked me to go with him. I wasn't thrilled about going but went anyway. We got lost finding it and when we did get there it was already closed. And I couldn't understand why he was so upset, I told him we could just come back another day. So then we were driving by Woodward Park in Tulsa, which is one of the most beautiful parks in Oklahoma. He said I have to go to the bathroom, I told him there was a QT right up the street. He said no I'll just go to the park. I couldn't believe that he would rather use the parks bathroom than a quiktrip bathroom. So he got out and told me to come. We walked down to look at all the flowers. We we standing there looking out at the pond when I turned around and he was on one knee. I was in shock, and started screaming. He planned it very well. I was completely surprised. And of course I said yes. I love Mike with all my heart and cannot wait to start my life with him.

Note to men out there: CALL AND SEE IF THE PLACE IS OPEN!!!! That was NOT planned "very well." Anyway, I realize it's a lame wedding website and whatnot, but they have registered EVERYWHERE and there's even event details. Obviously, she's way more into him. How sad for her. Truly.


In other "I can't believe my brother sent me that" news: I can't believe my "pure, innocent" brother sent me a link to this SAQ spoof commercial. While there are no err...real-life flailing body parts, it's certainly offensive and NSFW. I wish Geoffrey would have told me that when I clicked on it at work. Luckily, no one saw the massive umm...black thing you see before I had a chance to click out of it.